How do you say “Welcome Home?”

In his book, Take Back your Marriage, Dr. Doherty shares a list of 9 things that we can DO to strengthen our marriages!  We talked about one of these action items last time … finding time to talk together.  So we move onto number two: establish a “greeting ritual.”

 

How do you greet your spouse after a day of being apart?  We’re not talking about a short celebration dance … but just an action that says … I love you and I’m glad to be here with you …  

 

Karen (my wife of 33 years) would say I have a greeting ritual … every time I come in the door I sigh a sigh … she’d say I groan … like “Oh no I have to be home and I don’t want to be here …”   I maintain that I am leaving the office behind and sighing a sigh of relief and joy to be home.  So you can see how one can have a difference of opinion on welcome home rituals. 

 

Dr. Doherty suggests that you agree on a greeting ritual … drop what you’re doing … give one another a hug or kiss … better yet both! etc.  That says, “Youre important … and I am glad we’re together again.”  Who doesn’t want to hear that?    

 

So tonight when you walk in the door … go find your spouse (if he or she is home … if not when your partner walks in … you go seek your spouse) … and greet them with a special greeting … be creative … but make sure you can repeat it …

 

When you pick them up off the floor explain that you need a “greeting ritual” as a couple … and then take some time later to chat about what that will look like … afterall it needs to mean the same thing to both of you.

 

Have fun!

Easier said than done …

In his book, Take Back your Marriage, Dr. Doherty shares a list of 9 things that we can DO ( see post Knowing versus Doing) to strengthen our marriages!  While I’m not partial to lists, I do like having 9 things to write about <smile>. 

 

So let’s noodle on the first “action plan” item on his list:  “Set a time everyday just to talk … not about money, the kids or chores.”

 

That first phrase: “set a time everyday to just talk,” is easier said than done!  Most of us live overscheduled lives.  Quiet time is a rare commodity. 

 

When can you share the content of this post with your spouse?  This will be the first agenda item for your initial conversation: “When can we make time to talk together everyday?”

 

Don’t try to find the time … you’ll be hunting for a long time!  You’ll need to carve it out … remove something from your day that is less important to make room for this priority.

 

Another “catch” in that first phrase is … what does “just” talk mean?  We can’t be driving … ironing … watching … reading … etc?  Any activity that competes for our attention will probably become a hurtful distraction. Have you ever heard these words: “You’re more concerned about (fill – in – blank) than what I have to say!” 

 

Now comes the “fun” part … “what are we going to talk about?”  Money, kids and undone “honey-do’s” are probably the most popular discussion items!  We need to think and plan ahead about what we’ll share during this special time.  Here are some questions that may help you get started …

 

On a scale of 1 to 5 … 1 being lousy, 5 being great, how would you rate your day?

 

If you could undo one thing about today what would it be?

 

If you could still be doing something that you did today what would it be?

 

If you could be anybody in history who would you be?  Why?

 

Here’s another helpful book of discussion starters.  It might be a good gift to yourself and your marriage.…

 

 

Doing versus knowing

One of my favorite “hooks” before I present any material on marriage and family is this short”tongue twister:”

We don’t need to know more of what to do … we need to do more of what we know … (to make our marriages stronger and better).

Isn’t that true for most things in life?  It is more about the doing than the knowing!  Yet the reality is … if we did half of what we know we need to do … our marriages would be a whole lot better!

I know I should listen more closely to my spouse … do I?

I know that I should tell my spouse “I love you” at least once a day … do I?

I know that I should spend undivided time with my spouse … do I?

What else do we know that we should do?  Any thoughts …

So let’s listen … spend time … and speak those 3 little words we all need to hear … just do it!

The “Heart” of Marriage

I attended a family wedding yesterday.  Elegant church … beautiful bride … heck … even the groom looked good (he was the relative)! 

 

The ceremony was “short and sweet” (20 minutes).  This truthfully never made sense to me in that the couple has planned this big day for months and it’s over in a proverbial flash.  The good news is that no one got bored sitting on the boards.

 

After reflecting more on this the morning after, it occurred to me the length of the ceremony has absolutely no bearing on the length of the matrimony.  Which is more important … the effort to plan a wedding (short or long); or the work to make it last a lifetime?

 

In fact by eliminating the “non-essentials” of the ceremony the real focus of marriage emerges.  The heart of marriage is the vow! 

 

In the “traditional” wedding the couple repeats their vows to each other at least three times.  The first is exchanged at the beginning of the ceremony … before the bride is given away.  Then they elaborate on their promises to one another: “Do you ____ take ____ to be … in joy and in sorrow, in plenty and in want … in sickness and in health … till death do us part?”  And finally, they promise themselves to one another one last time as they give and receive their rings.  Three times they vow, pledge, and promise to stay together no matter what. 

 

The Captain and Tennille (I date myself) lied.  It’s going to take a lot more than “love to keep us together.”  Ironically, Tina Turner’s question: “What’s love got to do with it?” maybe more appropriate when it comes to marriage. 

 

The heart of marriage is not the fleeting pitter patter feelings of “love.”  It is the promise, pledge and vow of unconditional commitment.